I made a promise to myself...and i didn't keep it.

I promised myself that i would carefully consider everything i put into my mouth, then it was everything i watched on television, then what i listened to, later i added who i had long conversations with, before long my list included every word i read, the first thing and the last thing i was exposed to when i woke and before i slept.  I did so during a fast for Lent.
I hung tight throughout the fast and it changed me.  And it changed my environment and it changed my social circle, and it changed my thinking, and it changed my outlook, my paradigm, and my perspective.  And then...i stopped.  It wasn't all in one day.  I watched a television show i had not seen in a long while and it made me think about a song i hadn't listened to in a while.  Then before i considered it, i was eating things i knew were bad for me, i stopped working out "just for today".  I found myself in a worse situation than i was in when i started.  Then i became angry at myself for starting the whole process in the first place.  Like, i was cool, why did i mess that up?!?!?
i felt like what i imagine the son in Jesus' parable about two sons (often referred to as the Prodigal Son) felt when he "came to himself while eating the husks fed to the pigs.  But, unlike the son--who is often incorrectly referred to as THE prodigal son--i had no idea where to go.  Going forward seemed to me like going back and vice-versa.  i felt lost. i WAS lost.  Then, i started a process that continues to this day: Self Discovery.  It could not have happened any other way.  i learned and am learning that who i am has only a little to do with what i eat, drink, listen to, converse about and watch.  Who i am is about why. the principle of five "why"s was paradigm-shifting for me, but even that was just a start.  i have seen other people take a similar journey and it is sometimes painful to watch, but it is even more painful to undergo.  I thank My Creator for this type of pain and i recommend the journey.  If i keep no other promises, i can keep this promise to myself: i will finish this journey or die trying.